I am just itching to write something, but I don't know what to write about. I really have to look up on how to write drama scripts so I can write my own \o/

It is the first week of summer break; I like to call it summer break even though it is summer 365 days here, because it sounds... cooler HAHA pun intended. It has been 4 days, turning 5. But I feel more exhausted than I was during the semester -_- maybe it's because I had to wake up really early for the first 3 days of this week. It has been a busy week, and will continue to be. Because I am going for a school trip to Seoul on Sunday night. Or Monday, technically.

Mixed feelings about this trip. Firstly because it is too short and I am not going to have much time to do stuff I want to do so badly. I only have free time after dinner for 6 days. Because I am inherently in a rush to do stuff in my life, there is so much I want to do there. Asked my mum to allow an extension but she refused to budge even after my persuading and negotiating and discussing and explaining for more than a week. This is honestly the first time I spent so much effort on getting someone to understand my POV, and because I am a LEO, I NEED my POV to be known to the world. 

And it is true what I tried to explain - she keeps saying there will be a next time and I'm like, "but I want to live in this moment, I want to hold on to the feelings and emotions I have right now and do these things because things might change in the future." There might not be a better chance to do these things, and I might not feel the same about things. Because I can get pretty self-centered sometimes? But more because I don't want to live life full of regrets, I want to live life happily without having to worry about the future and not being able to make my dreams come true, without having to dwell on the past. I kept emphasizing on the fact that Van wants to go to, and I can call Edlyn along and I won't be alone, that Van really wants to go to Korea and there isn't a better chance than this with all the dates fitting together nicely - that there won't be a chance like this in the future, it won't be the same next time round. But obviously the extension isn't happening. 

That was weeks ago, really close to Finals which didn't really help my stress. And then more recently after it was confirmed that I wouldn't be extending, I receive news that SS4 Encore in Seoul would be on the 26th May, when I am leaving Seoul on the 20th. No one, I repeat, no one, will understand how I felt at that moment. If only, if only I had been able to extend my trip. I cannot express the amount of frustration I felt. Literally all pent up in my heart. It was like all the words I said about the good timing and things being different in the future coming back at me like the sting of a whip. I knew it, I knew shit would happen. I know everyone has their problems and that I am considerably better off than some people but I really wonder why shit like this ALWAYS happens to me. I keep thinking things can't get any worse but life amazes me.

I didn't give up - call me stubborn lol - and asked my mum if she wanted to go for the encore with the package tour that SME had, we could go with a few of my friends because I know of people who would go if I went. And because I'd told her before that I wanted to let her experience a SuJu concert at least once so she'll know why I keep wanting to watch them live. To make a long story short, that too didn't work out and won't be happening.

So here I am not knowing how exactly I should feel about things.

And also having to share a room with a stranger. I - sadly - care about what people think about me and I don't like to show the ugly and lazy side of me to people I'm not really familiar with. So yes, there's that problem.

Also having to do a reflection for the visitings - because we're doing corporate visits and university visits. But it's in a group so it isn't too bad I guess.

Trying to look on the bright side. At least I get to go (which was a huge battle in the first place). Let's live life happily, Fion!

It is that time of the Semester again; Finals. Which explains the state of my mind and body. I am sleeping so late everyday, so much so that I overslept for my 9am paper today (yesterday) but I managed to make it out of the house in time so it was okay.

There is something that struck me a few days ago, as I was attempting but failing to mug: 
The Sudden Realization of the Implications of The Bell Curve
It just hit me what the bell curve meant for me, because here I am sincerely trying to enjoy my studies, by trying to be focused and optimistic while absorbing content. Because, you know, there is this sense of satisfaction when you're on-task and you finish reading a chapter or something.
And then the thought of what my friends were doing suddenly came into my mind. I had no doubt that they were studying, and I wondered which stage of revision they were at. Cue sudden panic attack and stress level shoots up. Because it suddenly hit me that even though I've accomplished something I've set out to finish, if these fellow exam takers are doing more than me... the Bell Curve basically ensures that I'm dead meat. Because I see how other people are studying, and because I know I am inherently lazy... it freaks me out a lot when I think about where I am compared to others. Is this what life is about - comparison?
Because of the Bell Curve, it doesn't matter if I write a good essay, or do well, because if others do better than me then I am pushed down. It wasn't like this before - in primary, secondary school and junior college. There had been instances of moderation (which increased as the education level increased) but they were when the entire cohort had performed badly and no one could get the 'A' mark of 75 and above.
Entering University, I am only realizing what the Bell Curve means in the 2nd Semester of my Freshman year. And it scares me - competition. Fierce, fierce, competition even with people you consider your friends. Everyone is in this scaled-down version of the rat race, which obviously gets much more real when you enter society to work. All mugging, scrambling to cover the most to outsmart everyone else. 
I try my best not to be bothered by the fact that I am competing with my friends, and I am sincere in my interactions with them, whether it is regarding my studies or otherwise. But looking at myself, I know me very well. I am not the kind to be bothered, I only read up on what catches my attention and I am extremely lazy. I sometimes end up not having dinner because I am lazy to wash the dishes or go down and buy food, let alone dig up last year papers and whatnot. 
I can be very passionate, but only in things that truly interest me. Sadly, this does not go for the things I am studying now, and this frightens me - what the Bell Curve can and will do to me. 

:(

I have no idea where I should vent all my pent up anger and frustration.
It's all stuck inside of me; clawing at my insides every single moment I think about it.
Utterly sick of pretending that nothing's wrong when it all seems wrong.

Part of me wants to scream, thrash, throw, and kick things.
Another part of me just wants to sob it all out.
And the last part of me is so numb its all calm and cool.

I think I can finally understand why some people do boxing to relieve stress and vent their frustration.

I must be on some kind of roll online tonight, therefore I am sacrificing my precious sleep time to write something, anything, before this leaves me. And this is despite the doctor telling me to rest more ._.

So. Randomly came across this article shared on Facebook: here.
The thing that intrigued me most was this particular portion. 

"I'm glad the worst thing my kid has to cry about is that I forgot to turn on her CD player during the bedtime routine. I'm happy my 6-year-old has yet to face something heavier in what should still be the lightest, happiest time of her life. I want her to still feel like a child and enjoy childhood[,]"

And it suddenly struck me... well not so much of the sudden because it has been weighing on my mind lately; but it struck me that as we grow up we essentially get more and more jaded. We turn to religion, turn to God because we have faith that He will help us overcome anything we face, and bring us to the path he has in store for us. But there is no denying that the older we grow, the more we learn of this world, the more we know, the more of a burden life becomes. Sure, as we live life we encounter countless moments and stories that touch us but it is outweighed by the horrendous realization that life isn't as peachy as we used to make it out to be. Am I the only one feeling like this? Is it because I have been overly pampered as an only child, therefore I have been living in my own bubbled-world? Is this what life is supposed to be like; is this why people say ignorance is bliss?

And then I came across something else. First the Music Video for Arcade Fire's song <The Suburbs>, and from there I got linked to the Spike Jonze's short film titled "Scenes From The Suburbs" (here) which has been dubbed as “[an] half-hour dystopian vision of a possible near future”. Which kind of creeped me out a little, but I was more concerned with the central theme of growing up and basically loosing the innocence and drive for life/ passion/ humanity we once had as teenagers... as well as friendships drifting off as you enter adulthood and the reality of life literally sucks the life out of you.

I am reminded of how confident I was as a child, although I didn't realise it then. I had dreams, and it never occurred to me that... there actually is a chance that I wouldn't make it in life. I wanted to be this, wanted to be that; wanted to do this, wanted to do that. Maybe I should call it a sort of naivety instead? I wouldn't exactly call myself matured now at the age of 19 going on 20, but I realise I am more afraid. I am still the same old me - wanting to do this and that, always having huge ideas and getting excited about them by myself while the people who listen to me give me a look between incredulity and amazement. But now I am always afraid - afraid of the disappointment I will feel if I open my heart to really want something so bad and end up not getting it. It is like this with achievements, school, and even emotions/ social life. Because I now know what can actually stop me - people who are just naturally orientated to perform well and be high-fliers in life, adults and their decisions, my own laziness, simply a lack of fate/ not meant to be, murphy's law,... and I know this list will grow longer as the days pass.

And then I start asking myself - maybe it's because you're too lazy or too afraid? 
You need to tell yourself you can do it - if you put your mind to it.
And then I ask myself again - maybe this isn't what God had in mind for you?
But is it wrong to sincerely want something(s) so bad?

There is not enough time, not enough courage. 

드디어 오늘 마지막회를 봤다.
눈물을... 너무 많이 흘렸다 ㅠㅠㅠ 
이렇게 우는 건 참 오랜만이다...
시크릿가든이었나? ㅋㅋㅋ 
아주 잘 봤으니 여기서 감사하다는 말을 전하고 싶다.
그리고 수고 많으셨습니다^^
덕분에 많이 웃고 울고 감동하고...
행복했습니다^^
특히 아역을 맡았던 배우들!! 

하지만 가슴이 무겁다.
이럴 줄 알면서도 가슴이 이정도로 아플지 몰랐다.
양명군 때문에 ㅜㅜ 나 처음부터 대감 편이었다!!

-
But... must so many lives be sacrificed for an effective ending? 
I mean, I get it - some (good) people have to die to pull the strings of the audience's heart.
But still... this is really too tragic ;;;
(Although I must admit; it got the effect the scriptwriter wanted because I will never be able to get over YangMyeong's unrequited love)
-

아 오랜만에 좋은 작품을 보니까 기분 좋다 ^^
디비디를 사야지~ 기념품으로 ㅎㅎ